I've been writing about meditation and have been practicing it and gaining understanding what the differences between God's way of meditation and humanity who has a broken link with God (due to sin) and how he meditates.
There are some similiarities, but the outcomes are very different.
Now let's talk about what happened to me today.
I found a bag of money. A bank bag to be exact. Now, normally I'd ignore a bag filled with money, yes, I've seen lots of them throughout my life. Envelopes filled with money, large bags in the middle of the street with the bank logo, wallets and purses. I've always felt guilty when I see these things and either drive past them, with the money sticking out or pick them up with the motivation of returning them to the owner. Never once did those owners give me a reward. Just a word of thanks.
I've always felt guilty because I'd find money everywhere when I was a kid. My dad believed I was robbing people. I never did such a thing and it never entered my mind. I was too afraid of what would happen to me. Many things I feel guilty about come from my dad. My up bringing only encouraged me to be alone and to talk with God and I did.
But as I got older finding money seemed to stop or slow down.
During my childhood I had some interesting conversations with God. I always knew that he was with me because I always felt him. We would play in the snow and make snow angels. I'd look up to heaven praising him. I didn't know about being filled with the Holy Ghost; but that message came to me at the age of 13. I was a really, really good kid. But my dad made me believe I was evil.
I remember on one Christmas, I was riding my new bicycle and it was really cold that day. In Detroit when there is no snow on the ground, the temperatures can get to near freezing. But I wanted to ride my new Chopper bike. It had a small tire in the front, mag wide tires in the back and pipes like a motorcycle running along the back wheels.
I was the first in the neighborhood to have a bike that looks mike a motorcycle.
As I turn the corner I found a stack of money. I picked it up and asked the kids playing on the porch who dropped it. They replied, not me. I quickly rode home and gave it to my dad.
I continued to ride. When I came back around the corner the person who dropped the money grab my handlebars it would not let me go until I took him to my house.
I'd always find money
I will find money so often that my dad thought I was robbing people. A 7 year old kid robbing somebody?? come on dad! But I believed him because I trusted my dad. My dad called me a thief, it was so. He has always consider me to be trouble, even though he had no evidence of such things. Except I kept my room dirty. Because my dad made me feel really bad about myself for a long time. I'd purposely reject the blessings of God, just so I could prove my dad wrong.
I had a paper route and was robbed. My did was convinced that I was lying.
- I remember walking to the corner store to buy my favorite pie. I picked up $40.00 off the ground. Walked another 50 feet and found another $20.
This happened often.
When I got saved and filled with the Holy Ghost I will continue to find money. I was older now, still plagued with my dad's thoughts. When I found some money I choose one of two options.
- Try to identify who lost it and give it back to the person.
- Ignore that it was there and let someone else find it.
Here is an example: In the 90's my family and I moved to Tacoma Washington from Detroit. We were sleeping on the floor, and Jonathan my oldest was sleeping in a large suit case.
I had to go to the bank to make a church deposit. I approached the table to write my check and an envelop barely was sitting there with a huge amount of money. I picked it up and gave it to the bank teller because I felt guilty. Yes, my dad's reach was still there although I was newly married with a 18 month old and had some really serious financial needs.
I gave it back. I always do. Until today.
The guilt was deep
I always had this guilt in my thoughts when I find the money. Not just money but anything. If something goes missing and I had nothing to do with it. I'd blame myself. I'd get nervous and wonder if people are thinking bad about me.
My dad's influence affected how I handled money. For the most part I would give it away to other people. If I earned it and someone have a need, despite having my own needs - I'd give it away and then turn to God crying for my own needs to be met. I just haven't been blessed that way by other people or experienced money in the mailbox like I hear other folks talking about. Yes, I got a donation here and there or money on Xmas.
It took the Lord in 2002 to change how I manage money. He taught me a money management system that changed my credit score from 524 to 780 in 3 years.
My dad's reach was deep. But God's reach was and still is deeper.
As I engage him for change; I change.
Connecting with Jesus Christ for change
Like I said, I've been meditating and writing about it.
During one of my discussions with Christ about change. I was talking with Him about that same behavior and asked for His assistance in changing me. Now, for those who don't know about Jesus Christ and how he responds to your requests, I will explain it to you in plain english.
He will present an opportunity to you that would give you the means to change. It could be a bad experience or a good one. They all work together for your good, if and only if you love the Lord and according to His purpose are called to such experience.
Since meditating and writing about it, I've had some really power experiences. Especially on the area of health, strenght and clarity of mind. I don't find myself afflicted by wondering and conflicting thoughts.
Anyways, Jesus and I were having a conversation about me finding money and how all of that seemed to stop. I wondered if I was rejecting his blessings and since he couldn't just give me money off the ground, He'd have to find a different way to bless me. That kind of make sense to me; but I know that's not how he works. He will find a way to bless you if you are called to it.
So, we had this conversation and I told him that I will not reject Him and his gifts. That was a few days ago.
I found a bank bag
I got up early this morning, 4:10am to be exact, to prepare the house for the rare 97 degree weather Olympia is supposed to experience today.
Then I decided to clean my garage. I had to carry a defective computer monitor to work (used for work at home).
As I was heading to the freeway, I saw a green bag on the street. I was uncertain what it was. I quickly remembered the discussion the Lord and I had a few days ago. I yelled to myself. I will not reject my blessing.
I made a U turn and picked it up. It was a bank bag filled with money.
I won't tell how much was in the bag. But the value of that experience raised my heart, head and spirits high.
Was it a test???
I will leave that for you to decide.
My dad no longer is speaking or dominating.
I don’t feel guilt. Not anymore. I will from here forward allow the Lord to bless and make me rich in His ways, while caring for my material needs by finding money.
No more guilt!